All around me my friends are doing amazing CREATIVE things. I feel like I just can't get there. My creativity is just under the surface and I can't bring it out. I don't feel like anything I do can compare. :-/.
Instead of moving forward on some things I've started I'm in a state of perpetual reading. Which isn't terrible but I just feel like I'm putting off other things. Maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit. I dunno.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Friday, December 27, 2013
2013 has taught me...
To be true to my ideals. To not censor myself, if you don't like me then don't pretend to. It also taught me who my true friends are, who aren't and who had other intentions when they offered their friendship. I also reconnected with people and let go of hate and anger I had.
I'm just happy that 2013 showed me that I'm done being happy in unhappy situations. I will take control of my life, my friendships, and everything else.
I'm just happy that 2013 showed me that I'm done being happy in unhappy situations. I will take control of my life, my friendships, and everything else.
Monday, December 16, 2013
The Holidays are Winding Down...
and my anxiety is on an upswing.
Maybe I am just over it. I find myself just on autopilot with it all. I have no desire to wrap, no desire to unwrap either.
I can feel myself getting more and more awkward as time goes on. I see pictures of other peoples gatherings and there's a twinge of jealousy but at the same time I know I don't fit in to situations like that. Maybe it's the constant need to fill space with conversation or to try to be cheery but I just don't have it, or can do it. My conversations are dull by most standards usually on a few subjects and I really cannot fake convos or emotions. I can be an open book or I shut myself off. Lately I have been totally shutting myself off. To everyone.
I'm glad I got holiday cards out but know I still need to get to the Post Office and do a few other things in the next week and it's all giving me anxiety. Why can't I just be normal?
Maybe I am just over it. I find myself just on autopilot with it all. I have no desire to wrap, no desire to unwrap either.
I can feel myself getting more and more awkward as time goes on. I see pictures of other peoples gatherings and there's a twinge of jealousy but at the same time I know I don't fit in to situations like that. Maybe it's the constant need to fill space with conversation or to try to be cheery but I just don't have it, or can do it. My conversations are dull by most standards usually on a few subjects and I really cannot fake convos or emotions. I can be an open book or I shut myself off. Lately I have been totally shutting myself off. To everyone.
I'm glad I got holiday cards out but know I still need to get to the Post Office and do a few other things in the next week and it's all giving me anxiety. Why can't I just be normal?
Sunday, December 8, 2013
I Learned a Valuable Lesson Today
Today was humbling.
I am the first to admit I have no social skills and often judge people, usually harshly, if they are the opposite of me.
I did this at the nail salon today.
I had gone on a whim, as a treat for myself before going to work. I always go to the same place, its a good 20 minute ride but the staff is great, and the prices are right and they are open hours that I can manage with my retail schedule.
So I'm sitting there with one of the guys I often get and in walks this woman, who was talking to everyone to the point of seemingly bothering a few of the staff which I think was my initial moment of judging. She seemed nice enough but also really pushy. And me being me I automatically wrote her off, because sadly that's what I do. Like I said, I can't for various reasons carry on conversations like that never mind really want to know about others to the point of making sure they answer me.
So we were next to one another and I was just minding my own business, watching the football game and when prompted giving answers to the manicurist.
I find myself at the sink to wash up before polishing and paying next to said woman. We didn't say much then but I did allow her to walk out first because she had a cane. Talking nicely to people is hard, I'm more direct and honest to a fault, but those kinds of social norms I have mastered.
Anyways. So we each wash up and get polished. I then find myself in the dryer next to her. And truth be told I was nervous at first. I didn't want to have a conversation, I go there to decompress and get some ME time. But I think she may have sensed that and wasn't strong like she was with the others in the shop. Instead she eased in, that kind of conversation I can deal with, especially if I don't have to initiate. We wound up talking for a good 20 minutes, I even did an extra dry cycle to continue our conversation and not leave at an awkward mid discussion point.
I left feeling awful for judging her at first but so happy that I was given the chance to have a one on one with her. We actually have a lot in common, she's really nice and I hope that the next time I go there in a few weeks that she's there.
I learned something today. And I'm glad I did.
I am the first to admit I have no social skills and often judge people, usually harshly, if they are the opposite of me.
I did this at the nail salon today.
I had gone on a whim, as a treat for myself before going to work. I always go to the same place, its a good 20 minute ride but the staff is great, and the prices are right and they are open hours that I can manage with my retail schedule.
So I'm sitting there with one of the guys I often get and in walks this woman, who was talking to everyone to the point of seemingly bothering a few of the staff which I think was my initial moment of judging. She seemed nice enough but also really pushy. And me being me I automatically wrote her off, because sadly that's what I do. Like I said, I can't for various reasons carry on conversations like that never mind really want to know about others to the point of making sure they answer me.
So we were next to one another and I was just minding my own business, watching the football game and when prompted giving answers to the manicurist.
I find myself at the sink to wash up before polishing and paying next to said woman. We didn't say much then but I did allow her to walk out first because she had a cane. Talking nicely to people is hard, I'm more direct and honest to a fault, but those kinds of social norms I have mastered.
Anyways. So we each wash up and get polished. I then find myself in the dryer next to her. And truth be told I was nervous at first. I didn't want to have a conversation, I go there to decompress and get some ME time. But I think she may have sensed that and wasn't strong like she was with the others in the shop. Instead she eased in, that kind of conversation I can deal with, especially if I don't have to initiate. We wound up talking for a good 20 minutes, I even did an extra dry cycle to continue our conversation and not leave at an awkward mid discussion point.
I left feeling awful for judging her at first but so happy that I was given the chance to have a one on one with her. We actually have a lot in common, she's really nice and I hope that the next time I go there in a few weeks that she's there.
I learned something today. And I'm glad I did.
Friday, November 8, 2013
Getting a Holiday Itch
It's November 8th and I am itching to start decorating for the holidays. I don't get it. Honestly decorating stresses me out and I usually reserve it for a night when I'm working and the husband and children can do it but I want to do it and have it done but it doesn't feel right for me. The music and the decorations at the mall don't feel right so I don't get why I think it would feel right in my home right now.
I will also be doing a lot of pre Black Friday shopping, I don't find the best deals then and crowds bother me too so I'll be knocking a lot of it off my list in the next week.
Maybe I just want to get the holidays over with?
I will also be doing a lot of pre Black Friday shopping, I don't find the best deals then and crowds bother me too so I'll be knocking a lot of it off my list in the next week.
Maybe I just want to get the holidays over with?
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Being Publicly Thankful
Over the past few years I had participated in many of the FB "days of.." one of which is "25 Days of Thanks" which takes place in November. Which is nice but honestly if you are truly grateful you do this throughout the year regardless of what everyone else is doing.
And sadly a lot of these people that I see participating are the same ones who judge judge judge constantly on FB. This to me is hard to swallow. You show so much hate during the entire year but then November comes along and it's all love. Why can't you at least focus on yourself and be grateful instead of spiteful. It just doesn't read well to me. And FB is something that doesn't erase after you write something it'll always be there.
It's a big reason why I have chosen not to participate I'd rather try to show gratitude and thanks all year. I don't need a month.
and this ECard basically sums it up...
And sadly a lot of these people that I see participating are the same ones who judge judge judge constantly on FB. This to me is hard to swallow. You show so much hate during the entire year but then November comes along and it's all love. Why can't you at least focus on yourself and be grateful instead of spiteful. It just doesn't read well to me. And FB is something that doesn't erase after you write something it'll always be there.
It's a big reason why I have chosen not to participate I'd rather try to show gratitude and thanks all year. I don't need a month.
and this ECard basically sums it up...
Monday, November 4, 2013
Not looking forward to the Holidays...
The holidays are already stressing me out. From the fact that I have a few heavy socks and my feet are already freezing. I want/need new boots but am being super picky and cheap about it :-/.
Nevermind the crowds, trying to be the perfect Santa, and surviving the wonderful retail world and the snow. I can't even think straight already. Have I mentioned before I hate people, and crowds and I'm cheap :(
I'm tempted to decorate just to get it over with, and buy the first pair of boots I find but none of these things will help as I cannot hibernate which would be the best solution.
Ugh.
Nevermind the crowds, trying to be the perfect Santa, and surviving the wonderful retail world and the snow. I can't even think straight already. Have I mentioned before I hate people, and crowds and I'm cheap :(
I'm tempted to decorate just to get it over with, and buy the first pair of boots I find but none of these things will help as I cannot hibernate which would be the best solution.
Ugh.
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