small rant

All around me my friends are doing amazing CREATIVE things. I feel like I just can't get there. My creativity is just under the surface and I can't bring it out. I don't feel like anything I do can compare. :-/.

Instead of moving forward on some things I've started I'm in a state of perpetual reading. Which isn't terrible but I just feel like I'm putting off other things. Maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit. I dunno.

2013 has taught me...

To be true to my ideals. To not censor myself, if you don't like me then don't pretend to. It also taught me who my true friends are, who aren't and who had other intentions when they offered their friendship. I also reconnected with people and let go of hate and anger I had.

I'm just happy that 2013 showed me that I'm done being happy in unhappy situations. I will take control of my life, my friendships, and everything else.

The Holidays are Winding Down...

and my anxiety is on an upswing.

Maybe I am just over it. I find myself just on autopilot with it all. I have no desire to wrap, no desire to unwrap either.

I can feel myself getting more and more awkward as time goes on. I see pictures of other peoples gatherings and there's a twinge of jealousy but at the same time I know I don't fit in to situations like that. Maybe it's the constant need to fill space with conversation or to try to be cheery but I just don't have it, or can do it. My conversations are dull by most standards usually on a few subjects and I really cannot fake convos or emotions. I can be an open book or I shut myself off. Lately I have been totally shutting myself off. To everyone.

I'm glad I got holiday cards out but know I still need to get to the Post Office and do a few other things in the next week and it's all giving me anxiety. Why can't I just be normal?

I Learned a Valuable Lesson Today

Today was humbling.

I am the first to admit I have no social skills and often judge people, usually harshly, if they are the opposite of me.

I did this at the nail salon today.

I had gone on a whim, as a treat for myself before going to work.  I always go to the same place, its a good 20 minute ride but the staff is great, and the prices are right and they are open hours that I can manage with my retail schedule.

So I'm sitting there with one of the guys I often get and in walks this woman, who was talking to everyone to the point of seemingly bothering a few of the staff which I think was my initial moment of judging. She seemed nice enough but also really pushy. And me being me I automatically wrote her off, because sadly that's what I do. Like I said, I can't for various reasons carry on conversations like that never mind really want to know about others to the point of making sure they answer me.

So we were next to one another and I was just minding my own business, watching the football game and when prompted giving answers to the manicurist.

I find myself at the sink to wash up before polishing and paying next to said woman. We didn't say much then but I did allow her to walk out first because she had a cane. Talking nicely to people is hard, I'm more direct and honest to a fault, but those kinds of social norms I have mastered.

Anyways. So we each wash up and get polished. I then find myself in the dryer next to her. And truth be told I was nervous at first. I didn't want to have a conversation, I go there to decompress and get some ME time. But I think she may have sensed that and wasn't strong like she was with the others in the shop. Instead she eased in, that kind of conversation I can deal with, especially if I don't have to initiate. We wound up talking for a good 20 minutes, I even did an extra dry cycle to continue our conversation and not leave at an awkward mid discussion point.

I left feeling awful for judging her at first but so happy that I was given the chance to have a one on one with her. We actually have a lot in common, she's really nice and I hope that the next time I go there in a few weeks that she's there.

I learned something today. And I'm glad I did.

Getting a Holiday Itch

It's November 8th and I am itching to start decorating for the holidays. I don't get it. Honestly decorating stresses me out and I usually reserve it for a night when I'm working and the husband and children can do it but I want to do it and have it done but it doesn't feel right for me. The music and the decorations at the mall don't feel right so I don't get why I think it would feel right in my home right now.

I will also be doing a lot of pre Black Friday shopping, I don't find the best deals then and crowds bother me too so I'll be knocking a lot of it off my list in the next week.

Maybe I just want to get the holidays over with?

Being Publicly Thankful

Over the past few years I had participated in many of the FB "days of.." one of which is "25 Days of Thanks" which takes place in November. Which is nice but honestly if you are truly grateful you do this throughout the year regardless of what everyone else is doing.

And sadly a lot of these people that I see participating are the same ones who judge judge judge constantly on FB. This to me is hard to swallow. You show so much hate during the entire year but then November comes along and it's all love. Why can't you at least focus on yourself and be grateful instead of spiteful. It just doesn't read well to me. And FB is something that doesn't erase after you write something it'll always be there.

It's a big reason why I have chosen not to participate I'd rather try to show gratitude and thanks all year. I don't need a month.

and this ECard basically sums it up...

Not looking forward to the Holidays...

The holidays are already stressing me out. From the fact that I have a few heavy socks and my feet are already freezing. I want/need new boots but am being super picky and cheap about it :-/.

Nevermind the crowds, trying to be the perfect Santa, and surviving the wonderful retail world and the snow. I can't even think straight already. Have I mentioned before I hate people, and crowds and I'm cheap :(

I'm tempted to decorate just to get it over with, and buy the first pair of boots I find but none of these things will help as I cannot hibernate which would be the best solution.

Ugh.

Things That Go Bump in the Night

Yes, it is 12:35 am I am now suddenly wide awake with this absurd fear.

I live in a very old house(think - 1850's) and well that coupled with my recent obsession with aliens and the supernatural here I am awoken by every noise and having irrational and scary passing thoughts about death. Truth be told death is not something I usually fear, or even ponder but here I am and it's the only thing on my little mind.

It doesn't help at all that it's now a day from Halloween. Not one of my favorite holidays, I don't enjoy crowds or dressing up unless it's in my own imagination I am just not okay with it. That's just me I guess.

Candy on the other hand, that I like. Maybe a bit too much.

Okay back to this sudden fear.

We recently started using the heater again and well like I said this house is very very old, and not much of it is new, certainly not the walls at my best guess so every new vibration can be felt and heard. My little mind likes to play tricks on me as is - add that to this and well I "hear" things that are probably just vibrations or cars outside or any other number of things and my mind goes crazy. And that brings us to this blog entry.

I can't be the only one that this happens to. Right?

Thankfully tomorrow is my official off day. I will be catching up on Mad Men, maybe deep cleaning a few rooms, and finally making my spaghetti squash and fish dinner I have been craving. And hopefully getting a decent nap in, and going to bed at a decent time also...

Morning Thought 10/24

Do we think about the words we use?

I still find myself using things that others may find offensive or are so outdated that they have just become offensive.

I found a particularly interesting article in the Huffington Post this morning about just this.
read it here.

I find that a lot of people throw around many of these words without thinking. I hear and read the term "ghetto" for example a lot. I use it too, I won't lie. I think we use it so easily because it is never pointed out and is accepted. And that's how these words continue to live.

Just my thought for the morning.

Wealth Inequality Distribution in America

eye opening. Take 6 minutest to watch this...

Pumpkin Buyers Remorse - Parenting 101

So buying a pumpkin should be a fun experience, as should be carving/decorating.

Well we bought a pumpkin today, the biggest in the box(yes store bought, I don't pick pumpkins) and well now I'm looking at it and my daughter who's face lit up when we picked it out is set on carving it. How the hell am I going to do this. It's the size of a turkey or a small child.

I feel like this is parenting 101 as I bought this to make her happy - which it has - but now the reality of the situation has hit me.

We'll see how this works out.

I'll make a post about this adventure. I promise...

What Do You Really Know?

What do you really know? What do any of us really know?

Do you know what they told you to know on TV, the newscaster or politician(of which it can be often hard to distinguish)?

Have you checked out all the facts? Do you just re spew the line and rhetoric of that of your friends, colleagues or family?

I guess the real question is - Do you think for yourself? Do you automatically share everything you see on FB or Twitter or Tumblr or whatever form of social media you fancy without looking into it deeper because it fits the agenda you like? Have you thought about the impact of that? Are you just in fact fueling someone else's drive for a few pennies or dollars for every "share" of such, that is ultimately propaganda?

This article -http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2013-08-08/features/ct-tribu-social-media-scam-likefarming-20130808_1_facebook-photos-newsfeed-the-facebook is a good reference and starting point for exploring what you are really doing on social media.

I just find myself bombarded by memes that only give half truths and play on emotions, agendas and are ultimately propaganda and are often just shared by those who feel it is their duty? maybe, or is something else. What makes one so share happy about one subject to the point that they no longer can even fathom another side or several sides exist?

Be critical. Don't preach, and be open.

To preach to others on a scale like Twitter or Facebook leaves at least with me a feeling of "my side is right and yours is wrong" especially when a line just like that is often taunted at those who don't agree or question you. Why are people so judgmental then when the ideas are challenged they become defensive. IF you truly believe and have facts to so harshly judge others lifestyles, and beliefs and behaviors then you should have facts and facts leave no room for defensiveness. They are what they are. IF one chooses to overlook them because they do not fall into one's agenda then that's fine but no reason for the harshness.

I know I recently blogged about this before it's just something I see over and over. And a lot of these issues that many are so passionate about are easy prey for like farming and other scams.

My Thoughts On Why I Watch What I Watch...

I find myself hooked on several TV shows and often because of this lose interest in one or two very fast. As of late the lost interest has befallen on The Walking Dead, I had inhaled it on Netflix when I first got into it a couple seasons late then watched the 3rd Season semi-regularly and now as Season 4 has begun I have DVR'd the first show and yet I find myself watching Mad Men on Netflix instead, which I am several seasons behind.

I can't explain this but maybe I don't have the attention span for so many shows at once. I try to have an action show - I have replaced TWD with Revolution for that and tend to like those characters and the relationships there more, I also need some kind of reality show - which at the moment is Million Dollar Listing - Los Angeles. I guess that leaves drama which Mad Men encompasses, with some very obvious throwbacks to cultural issues of the 1960's which have always intrigued me.

I was never this involved with any TV series until I got Netflix now I feel like I have no excuse to not be up on the latest show that everyone else is talking about. I'm not entirely sure this is a good thing, in fact it probably is not. I have so many other things I need to be doing or could be doing. I have books downloaded onto my Nook that need to be read but for now I focus on TV. Less thought process I guess.

OK TV rant over...

A Few Thoughts for Today...

I find myself reflecting a lot more on morals, and right&wrong more then I ever used to. Maybe it's my age or my insatiable desire for knowledge. There are things in this life and world that I cannot change, people I may never understand, but I can be the best person I can.

I read things and am shaken to the core. I obviously can't do a whole lot to change the world but being aware of the things happening in it and critically thinking about it before I make a judgement one way or the other I try really hard to look at all sides. This applies to less global issues too.

I find myself always feeling pulled towards issues. I don't usually voice my opinions about them to keep the peace but find it hard not to have them. I know my friends and family all have differing political, religious & social views, it's one of the many reasons I choose not to share.

 There are some things however I am vocal about - like Equal Rights for all. There are no qualifiers, no restrictions. I am a big supporter of gay marriage and a woman's right to choose. I also believe in choice in general from food to education and the like but I want to also say that with this choice also comes information and that all people are entitled to accurate and unbiased information on choices that they should be entitled to make. I firmly believe without that choice is pointless.

I should also come out and say that I am an atheist. No, that doesn't mean I worship the Devil, it also doesn't mean I'm Pagan or Wicca either. I don't worship anything. I've tried over the years to find a religion that suits me and I find none do and are all so closely related and similar that I cannot box myself into one. It's just who I am. And to put it out there - I will laugh at you if you say I'm going to Hell because I don't believe in your God. I'm sorry but I don't believe in Hell either. Just saying.

This is just a few of the things on my mind today, The International Day of the Girl & National Coming Out Day.

Happy October 11th...

Things That Challenge Me

There are a few things I am good at, and many that challenge me. I'll give you a list of those things, well the ones that I can come up with, I am sure there are more.

Rice. For whatever reason cooking rice has been a challenge, no matter how I cook it, what brand, what kind it never comes out exactly right. But I keep trying. Tonight I made a dish with lots of veggies - mushrooms, eggplant, corn, peas, peppers, onions and spices and it came out OK but not exactly how I pictured it. I used brown rice which I prefer for flavor and that it doesn't attack my RA as badly as white rice does.

Making Social Plans. This is something I've always had issues with, not sure if it's a self esteem thing(after learning about myself more I'm pretty sure it's NOT that but there are times when it does come into play), or just initiating conversation and making plans. Just not something I am comfortable with. I guess I hurt myself this way and probably leave a lot of people wondering why we don't hang out more. I guess I'd rather be alone a lot of the time.

Adjusting to Change. It can literally be any change from something really small - like going to an earlier or later movie, to bigger changes I just don't handle them well. Preparing myself for them makes it easier but it's still hard.

Not Obsessing. This may sound weird to some but if I attach myself to something I tend to get obsessive. Some of these things only last a few days or weeks, others can go on for well years and stay with me. They become a part of me. Like my morbid obsession with WWII & the Holocaust. It's really not something nice to "like" but I do. Things really interest me that involve it include the survivor stories as well as the stories of the perpetrators. I guess it's more of the people that I am interested in. I have read numerous books, watched countless movies(documentaries & fictional depictions). I just like it.

I'm sure there are more, in fact I know there are but these are the ones that come to mind....

Taking Stock...

I wish I could dispense advice on this things like relationships, finances, careers, education, and the like but even at 30 I don't have half the answers. I don't even have the questions. Truth be told I'm not as far in life as I once dreamed as a child. I had big dreams - I was going to write and travel and own a wonderful condo in some huge city that I only saw a few weeks a year and that's what I wanted. It didn't work out that way. I've traveled, I write(sorta, just here) but the rest not so much.

I watch a lot of TV and I need to start comparing myself to these people. It's great to have all the things I do but I still want more, and not just more for me but more for my family. I plan on going back to school hopefully soon and start the long process so that I have more to work with.

What can I give advice on? Hmm. I've been thinking about that. I guess there are some things I know about - like where to find deals, how to manage RA(well not so much lately but I have been managing it well up until recently), things to do in Boston and the area, and some parenting advice I could dispose. I try to be positive, I do but sometimes you just have to take stock of what you have, where you are going and who you are.

I guess that's what this is...

Staying Positive..

When things just continue to feel like they are negative.

I try really hard to be positive about everything but last night after a miserable day as I was applying BenGay Zero Degrees I realized how bad my Arthritis has gotten. I need to make an appointment soon and explore the thoughts of going on medicine again but this is such a scary step for me, I don't like medicine in general nevermind possibly being on a pill or sets of pills everyday for the rest of my life is really scary. Overwhelming to say the least.

It Doesn't Matter!

It doesn't matter what side of the political spectrum you fall into, who you vote for or whatever. The fact that EVERY TIME there is an incident, any incident - from the #GovernmentShutdown to the #CapitolShooting we become divided & blame each other. Truth is that everyone, yes everyone. Even your favorite politician is to blame.

To automatically blame a woman's menstrual cycle if it is reported somewhere that she is the culprit is #sexist. In fact automatically using any of the old "standbys" to label people because of their race, gender, political affiliation, or any of the other things we use to divide each other is wrong. Can we not jump to conclusions and work together? Just a thought.

It doesn't help that in a time when information is instant - like this blog. That a lot of times - think #NavyYardShooting reports are often construed, full of misinformation and it spreads like wildfire. Think about how you get info, who gives it to you, and take EVERYTHING from a lonely blog(i.e this) to your favorite news analyst, paper, and other sources with a grain of salt. They will all prove to have some kind of relevant information but I can almost guarantee NONE tell the full story.

I won't tell you what to do or how to think but I'm just passing on some knowledge. Something that we should all do.

I like this video also for a nice little, easy explanation.

(courtesy of PivotTV)

On Wednesday We Wear Pink...

If you know this movie your kewl factor just went way up :)

and yes I know it's not wednesday but i felt this was appropriate ;)

I Started a Facebook Page...Again

and this is one is much more relaxed. I don't feel like I have to be positive and can be cynical & have fun!

In the process I downloaded another App for my phone and realized how much I can do from my phone. I literally can control all of my social media(including this!) from my phone on the go! crazy! And I can track all the demographics & get in depth info.

I'm slowly turning into a social media geek. Now only if I could get paid to do this...that would be a dream come true!